Driving a BMW

A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "

Female Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and noLegs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow said, 'No.'
She replied, 'Well you will be when the tide comes in!'

Christ, I can't believe I'm repeating this

Now it will haunt my profile for even longer...
One evening I had a jolly nice meal at an italian restaurant in town to celebrate my mum's birthday. Needless to say, I ate far too much rich food and got a little too tipsy, so forsook the lift home in order to walk it off. Bad mistake. I suffered from diabolical stomach cramps the whole way home and eventually shat myself on the home stretch, just round the corner from my house. All down my legs. And I was wearing an obscenely short skirt. Tried to clean it up a bit with some leaves without avail, so legged it the rest of the way home to present aforementioned mother with soiled clothing. Got to be one of the sickest birthday presents she's ever had.
Also, on a month long holiday to New Zealand we stayed in a campervan, and everyone swore not to use the provided toilet, instead trekking over to the campsite ones (in pitch black, in your nightie... yeah right). So, needless to say, my overeating once again got the better of me and woke me up in the middle of the night. Jetlagged, I groggily made it into the little loo in the van and dumped my load. Fast forward to the next morning, my dad, retching at the vile stench went to investigate. Alas, no-one had told me there was a cover sealing the toilet UNDER the lid, so the evil turd was just lying there. Ugh.
Sorry for length and general vomit-inducingness.